White world, I would call it. It was
like magic, nothingness like this. As I opened my eyes wider and sat up, I
could see the ground, clear white without any dirt. I felt a bit dizzy, but soon
I had a clear mind and vision. As I sat there on the flat ground of nothingness
gazing into distance, I felt afraid. I was afraid to be the only one around and
afraid I would become nothing, just like the immense nonexistence that engulfed
me.
“You
awake?”
The
sudden voice and movement jolted me. I jumped up and was astonished to see a
figure standing in front of me. It was a man, probably in his late 20s. He was
wearing a striped dandy wool hat with black sunglasses and tiny silver earrings.
His shirt and jeans had a funky but modern look. I thought he was probably one
of those cool adults I would like to be. There was something special about him.
“Hey,
are you there?” he asked again.
“Wh
. . . Who are you?” I asked, awestruck.
“God,
The Almighty One, The Sun, The Sky . . . whatever you call it. Know where this
is?” he said, looking down at me.
“Yeah
. . . I guess . . .” I answered as I looked around. It was quite different from
what I had expected. I sighed. After staring at me for few seconds, he sat down
right next to me.
“You’re
a bit early to be here. Tell me about your life.” he said.
“Hah!
. . . my life has been miserable as hell these days,” I began. “Everything was
breaking apart, my relationship with my family and my life at school. Hey, don’t
you know all these things if you’re God?” I asked.
“Yeah
I know all about your life, of course. But it’s always more dramatic to hear it
from the one that lived it. Please, go on.” he encouraged.
Actually,
there was a whole bunch of things to talk about. Recently, before I died,
everything around me was too much for me to handle. As I began grade 11, I
started to notice my limits. No matter how hard I tried, I could never satisfy
myself. Also, I had to apply for university the next year and was still unsure
whether to go into arts or science. My dad always told me I would figure it out
as I studied, but it never came to me. Maybe I was afraid to face the choice
that would change my entire life, though now, being dead and all, I had no more
life to live. The irony of it all hit me hard, but it was too late to repent.
At
the time, studying gave me headaches, but my dad added more pressure. He was
strict about my marks and obsessed with my grades and behavior in school. He
desired more and more from me. If I couldn’t meet his expectations, he would
scold and yell at me. Then there were the lectures, always slightly different,
but still having the same boring theme about how I should be able to see reality
now. The constant lectures annoyed me, so I just shut him out. Other than
replying with short grunts, I tried to avoid talking to him. Every time I came
back from school, he would ask me how I was doing in school. I would just mutter
a few words and shut my door in his face. He wouldn’t understand the hardships
I had gone through at school anyway; He would just question why my marks were
dropping. He never noticed the subjects I was good at. He never saw what my
strengths were, only saw shortcomings.
My
mom, on the other hand, always ignored me. When I was younger and felt exhausted
from my father nagging me, I sought my mother’s warm presence. She had always been
there for me, ever since I was born. We would sit on the couch and talk for
hours about many things we both liked. But, as she grew prosperous in her
business, she spent less and less time with me. She was rarely at home often
when I came back from school and was always on the phone whenever she happened
to be at home. As she grew farther from my reach, I tried to deny it, but before
I knew it, she shunned me. She said she cannot embrace my childish behaviors
anymore since they distracted her.
Shutting
my dad out and seeking for my mom’s care, I was lost with no one to turn to and
no place to go. Even the tiniest bits of my life choked me and tore me up bit
by bit. I was afraid to be lost, to disappear in this world. Other people
seemed to be a part of a bigger picture, but I was the leftover that wouldn’t
fit anywhere in the machine. How would I give my life meaning again without my
family? My story came pouring out to the divine being before me.
“Recently,
I kept dreaming the same dream. I was locked up in a cell with electric wires
attached to my back. The room was black and white with one wall made of glass.
My dad was controlling me with a game pad as I solved piles of questionnaires
at a desk, and when I looked up, I saw his gigantic face frowning. The game
must not be going well, I would think. My mom was there, too, but soon she was
gone. I decided to not look up again. The dull grey cell that held me up had no
doors, just an endless ceiling with piles of papers stacked to the top. From
the glass wall of the cell the only distraction to escape this madness I could
see myself, my younger self, playing with my dad in a colourful world. He was
handing me cotton candy. Lost memories faded away and the cotton candy became
the clouds in sky. But my distraction was always short, for my dad would gain
control of me again. Then I heard a loud screaming and I would wake up,
breathing hard. However, one day, I couldn’t wake up. I was trapped in the black
and white cell for what seemed like a week. Something was different. There was
no screaming. I needed to hear one to wake up. Maybe I missed it. So do you
know what I did? I decided to make one. I pull out the wires on my back. It was
so painful, but I was free. Free to think and move! Then, I broke through the
glass wall. I ran into the free and dream-filled sky. I smiled and screamed
joyfully as it embraced me with a warm breeze.”
“Very
common way to do it,” he said, “but didn’t it frighten you? You know you have
to hit the ground at some point.”
“Well,
thinking that I would be locked up there forever frightened me more,” I said.
Suddenly,
he got up and lifted his hand. There, I saw creation grow out of nothing. It
looked like a small white glowing ball and it was sucking up the emptiness
around it. Then, with a flash of light, it became a 38-caliber revolver. It was
sparkling with silver light, and the brown wood handle gave it an antique look.
It scared me. “Wha . . . Why did you make a gun? What are you going to do to
me?” I shouted as I jumped up.
“I
have to give you a punishment for your wrong-doing.” he said, “I hope this will
make you realize the truth.”
“Wait!
I didn’t do anything wrong. I was the victim! I’m the one who suffered the most
here!” I pleaded.
“Well,
we’ll see about that.” he said, “Just give me the bullets. They are in your
back pocket.”
“Huh?”
“I
don’t make the bullets,” he said. “Just give them to me.” I searched my back
pocket. There were two bullets there, and each had the number 41 written on it.
As I passed them to him, I realized what the numbers meant.
“Ahh,
both are 41! They must have been a campus couple, eh?” He loaded the bullets into
the gun. “It may hurt or it may not. Each bullet will hurt as much as they
suffered. Just pray they didn’t feel anything by your death.” he said. He
pointed the revolver at me.
Bang.
The
pain was unbearable. My body twitched violently as the bullet penetrated my
heart. Every nerve seemed to be bursting and my heart felt as if it had
exploded. But, I was dead. I couldn’t escape. I had to feel the every part of
the pain, every sensation of it. I screamed. Every one of my blood vessels
pumped frantically to relieve the agony that was ripping through my body. There
was no relief.
“Hah
. . . it must hurt a lot,” he said. “Why did you do such a thing? That’s the extent
he suffered. One more left to go. Remember this pain you caused. You can never
forget how it feels though.”
Bang.
Another
shot pierced my flesh right where the one before had. If there was hell, this
was it. I fell to my knees and rolled to the ground. The same amount of pain, perhaps
even more, brought the doom. After what seemed like years, I was finally free.
There I was, lying on the ground, sweating and crying. I felt all water inside
me drain away.
“After
you endure this last pain, you will reborn into a new human being. But don’t worry;
you’ll have your chance to be a better son. Once parents, they will always be
your parents.” he said.
Those
were the last words I could catch from him. My conscience was fading. Then, I
closed my eyes. The white empty world was engulfed with darkness.
